Where Is This Coming From?

One of my first jobs was at the Farmington City Pool. 

I was a lifeguard for their final season. I still have the Pool Closed sign hanging in my garage. 

We used to rock out - all while keeping kids safe from drowning and running on wet concrete. While desperately holding onto our fake, frog-eye Oakleys, we’d headbang to Aerosmith, Foo Fighters and even Limp Biskit. 

The 90s were a different time. 

But this week I had a day just like Fred Durst said. “It’s just one of those days, when you don’t want to wake up. Everybody sucks.”

This is a Christian blog. No googling the next line please. 

For me, it was Wednesday. 

Nothing had changed, but I just felt . . . off. 

Negative.

I was highly tuned to everything around me. Every tone in conversation, stray thought or inconvenience furthered my conclusion that it just wasn’t my day. 

I reached out to a friend for prayer. That friend - who is currently reading a A.W. Tozer book - sent me an excerpt. Part of it read:

“And we should steel ourselves against this piteous begging, and to recognize it as springing out of self-pity, one of the most reprehensible sins of the human heart.”

Yeah, thanks for sending, Jerrod, but I really just wanted to justify my pouting and harsh tone with everyone. Not only that, but I wanted to quickly get back to feeling good. 

Now I’m stuck trying to confront “one of the most reprehensible sins of the human heart.”

Honestly I have to be extremely careful when I write, in my words, and in my thinking. While I want to bravely and boldly share the realities of being a special needs parent — I don’t want to overstate the issues and understate the blessings. 

I have to personally guard against victimhood and self-pity. 

I’m learning how to be honest about our reality while not exaggerating the pain. 

There are days where I can’t seem to find the right balance. 

And those days I feel off. 

But I’m reminded that God is doing a work in me through Jude. He’s changed my reality, my reliance on Him, my focus, and the direction of my life. 

Through our circumstance with Jude, God has been shaping, molding, and changing me. 

Involuntary sanctification. 

And on my best days, when I can identify and kill the self-pity quickly. . . 

I’m thankful.