Polka your eyes out.

Baggy jeans. 

Thrifted ringer t-shirt. 

Airwalk shoes. 

Chain wallet. 

Nirvana “Nevermind” cassette contraband hiding in my room.

The worst kind of 90s grunge kid. A church boy, a choir boy, posing as a bad boy. 

It was ridiculous.

My dad did not approve of Nirvana. He probably misunderstood the imagery of a naked baby swimming toward a dollar bill on the cover. 

Parents just don’t understand. 

I can’t remember if he disposed of the cassette or made me do it. But somehow I ended up with a replacement. . . Weird Al Yankovic’s “Smells Like Nirvana” album. 

There was a epic 90s mash-up on that album called “Polka Your Eyes Out”. Naturally, I memorized the entire song. 

Fast forward another 13 years. Megan and I are dating. We were en route to Six Flags. She put in one my random mixed CDs. She hits the next button. Polka music starts playing. 

My head sunk. I couldn’t make eye contact. I prepped myself for rejection. How would she be with me when she knows I like Weird Al? Specifically this niche polka song she just discovered on MY mix? 

Instead, she smiled. Wide. And started singing. 

In that teal Chevy cavalier we belted every word. Never missed a lyric. Together. Laughing. Singing. Shouting. A Weird Al polka song. 

Dream girl. 

Megan and I are still finding our way. We’re navigating marriage and special needs parenting. We have the help of God, the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and the practical support of our extended family. Not to mention some great friends who we appreciate more than they know. 

But here are some things we’ve learned about pursuing healthy marriage while operating as a special needs parent. . .

• There is no normal. It doesn’t exist. Pain occurs when your expectation does not meet your reality. On our best days we remain flexible, doing what needs to be done, with zero expectations of what “should be” happening. Flexibility, with Jude and with each other, is typically the first mark of a good day for the Roussins.
  

• The work and the load is never evenly divided. At times I’m doing more than my share. Most times Megan is doing more than her share. Sometimes it truly is 50/50, but on other days it’s 90/10 or 70/30. That’s okay. We help each other bear the burden. I changed jobs and Megan picked up some more sessions to help during the transition. I had some free time this week so I changed the light fixtures at the new studio. The pro tip is to recognize what needs to be done and do it without asking.
  

• Men, take charge. Don’t become part of the mental and practical load for your wife. It’s okay to have a helper, but you’re grown. Need something from the store? Stop by on your way home. Need a haircut? Make your own appointment at the barber shop. Kids need help? Don’t send them to mom. This section in particular flows out of my personality. But it has helped our marriage. Women need a man, not another child to manage. That’s especially true if life’s difficulty is compounded by raising a special needs child.
  

• Self awareness goes a long way. I know when I’m crashing and burning. When I’m hungry, tired, and over-scheduled — that’s when I’m easily triggered. Recognizing those situations, words, or subjects that trigger me is a good way to cope with them or avoid them. And usually they’re small things that simply irritate me - never something worth arguing over. 

Special needs dads, set the tone for your home. If you see a need meet a need. Love isn’t always a feeling. At times it’s a sacrifice.

Do it. 

To Honor God. 

To lead your home. 

To shape your kids. 

And for your dream girl who likes obscure Weird Al polka songs.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:12–13

We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.
Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up.
Romans 15:1–2

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Philippians 2:3–4