Words and Feelings

Megan is somewhere in the Bahamas. 

It sounds so fancy, doesn’t it? She’s on a cruise ship with her sister, seeking a well-deserved break from what has been an interesting and particularly challenging year. 

I’m happy she got some time away from the daily grind. 

In almost all situations at home - I’m good to go. My momma didn’t raise a helpless manI I know how to operate when my wife is gone. I even make my own Doctor’s appointments - take that Boomer dads! 

The main challenge this week has been bedtime and quality sleep. Jude had a meltdown somewhere around 2:30 a.m. last night. She couldn’t be consoled. I tried everything. 

Potato chips, her favorite snack. 

The Floor, her new favorite gameshow obsession. 

I talked to her. Reassured her. 

I guessed at everything. Nothing worked. 

We both sat in her room for a bit, riding out the frustration together. She was crying. I was trying to stay silent. Talking would risk even more overstimulation. 

When times like this hit, I always wonder how simple the fix could be. If Jude could say the words, we could identify and fix the problem before it became a full-blown meltdown. 

Situations like last night remind me of the value of communication. 

We get to share, be heard, convey feelings, clarify needs, receive instruction - all through verbal communication. 

It’s a gift. 

One of the things I’m constantly learning about communication - because of my personality type and insecurities that harass my mind - is how to not take offense. 

That lesson - not taking offense to something that is said - is especially important for special needs parents. 

It’s especially important when you wake up at 2:30 a.m because of a meltdown and you’re tired. 

It’s especially important when your child can’t attend her brother’s full soccer game because she’s scared of the loud buzzer sound at the end of the half (happened to the Roussins Thursday of this week). 

In those moments, when you’re tired, worn down, weakened, someone will say something that starts with these phrases . . .  

“Have you ever tried . . .”

“All she needs is . . .”

“I would just . . .”

Those phrases are usually followed by some well-meaning advice from those who love and care for us. 

The challenge for special needs parents is that - like Megan this week - those folks giving advice aren’t in the daily grind. They don’t know what it takes. They don’t know what has been attempted. 

And that’s ok. 

When we first got Jude’s diagnosis an internal rage would run red hot when someone had a suggestion for us. I felt like nobody could help and they didn’t have a clue. 

I immediately took offense. 

That’s the thing about taking offense - it’s active. 

It requires the receiver of the information to actively choose to be offended. When I’m offended it requires my effort and energy. 

And if last night’s meltdown taught me anything, it’s that I don’t have spare effort and energy. 

So how do I deal with it? What have a I learned? What do I do when I hear someone casually use the word “retarded” or the phrase “touch of the ‘tism”. Or the one I have the most trouble with, “everyone is one the spectrum a little bit”.

What do I do? How do I react? I’m still learning so sometimes the rage is still there. 

But also because of the grace of God, I’ve learned to pause. Pausing and choosing to take offense both require some action. Some decision from me. 

On my best days, I choose to pause. 

I choose to process. 

I choose peace. 

God help me continue to learn how to navigate my mind and my emotions in a way that promotes peace with others. Help me not assign intent to words. Help me ask clarifying questions before overacting. Help me pause. Help me choose peace. 

PS - to clarify for my friends and family, I love you and keep the advice rolling. Pause, don’t take offense to this blog article. It’s about me not you! Haha. 

RESOURCE
https://www.amazon.com/Unoffendable-Change-Better-updated-chapters/dp/1400333598