Balance and Tension
This week I went to my normal workout group. “Modify as necessary” is one of the common phrases we use. This approach is particularly useful for someone my size who is getting back into shape, albeit slowly. I’m a clydesdale. A recovering offensive lineman.
One movement this week was a block jump over. I don’t even know the technical term. We had multiple rounds of 40 so the work became tiring. The block was dangerous, an ankle buster. So I did what any self-respecting 44-year-old would do. I modified.
As those around me proudly, successfully, nimbly jumped over their block — I stepped over mine. 40 times. I was like an old lady at her first day of aerobics. I felt like I was in a windbreaker from head to toe. One of the matching sets with neon colors. When you decide to step over the block, your recovery is Metamucil and Michael Bolton. My vertical was 0.5 inches. I couldn’t clear the block.
The truth is, the turf was slick and I didn’t have great balance. My goal is to improve my fitness, not have an ankle injury that requires surgery.
Balance is important. In that moment - at my Wednesday workout - I chose balance. I dealt with the reality of my current limitations. I experienced the mental tension of knowing I could push harder - but rightly chose to keep my ankles in tact.
The struggle between accepting limitations or pushing through them - and the emotional and mental tension that creates - is what it’s like to be a special needs parent.
For Jude — and for her dad — that balance and tension looks like this. . .
She loves one-piece pajamas that are adaptive and comfortable. Going into the real world requires clothes. Do we keep real clothes on her more? Does she need to ditch the pajama habit? Or is it ok because we’re mostly at home?
Jude is not toilet trained. She doesn’t show any interest. She’s had some success, but nothing consistent. Do we push her now? Or will that make her associate the toilet with stress/trauma? How do we handle that when she can’t communicate or understand the urge to go?
We home school Jude and she gets therapy twice a week. Is that enough experience - outside of the home? Does she need to be challenged and adapt?
Are we forcing her to adapt to our style of living or are we fully adapting to her? Which way is right? Or is it a mix of both?
So how do I strike the perfect balance? How do I make sure that I’m pushing through the tension and not letting it keep me from doing the right thing? How do I make sure I’m doing all the right things?
I don’t.
Perfection doesn’t exist. Not in my life or any other. So on my best days, that realization forces me to give grace. To myself for not getting everything right. To Jude for days that are tough and progress that is slow. To others who don’t understand our methods or madness.
As we’re trying and failing, God’s still got us.
That’s true in my life.
And it’s true for Jude too.